


Honour

by ray0062



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-04
Updated: 2017-04-04
Packaged: 2018-10-14 17:11:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,190
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10540887
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ray0062/pseuds/ray0062
Summary: Shepard struggles to sleep, trying to find ways to justify her approach to the reaper war. Garrus does what he can to help.





	

Cold feet traced familiar steps, soft footfalls providing an eerie change from the usual thud of military boots. The bright lights of the Normandy were dim, barely enough for Shepard to see the contours of her ship as she navigated through the crew deck. It reminded her of moonlight.

She stood, elbows against the hard surface of the counter, hands gripping the scalding mug she'd just filled. The day had been rough, and she was thankful that her restless hours at least provided her with the opportunity to find some peace. Datapads had been left on her desk, armour prepared for the next mission, and daily checks had been completed. Now, in the artificial night of her ship, she was finally alone with her thoughts.

Today, though, they were more haunting than usual. Words continued to ring in her ears, until they threatened to deafen her. Her knuckles were white from her tense grip, and she tried to relax as she took a sip. It didn't work as well as she'd hoped.

"Shepard?"

The door sighed as it shut. The unexpected presence startled her; it was the first time any of her crew had been awake during these hours, and she hadn't expected that to change.

"Garrus." She smiled, only small, hoping that he wouldn't notice her tension. "Hi."

"Trouble sleeping?" He leaned against the opposite surface, brow plate raised with his question. Shepard forced another small smile, nodding slightly as she did so.

"Yeah. Today was rough. Not that every other day isn't rough, but today just hit me a bit harder than usual." She took a long drink of her coffee, thankful for the warm spreading throughout her body. "What about you? I've never seen you up this late before. Something on your mind?" 

He shook his head. "Nothing worse than usual. You know, the millions of lives that I'm now responsible for, the ruthless calculus of war just looking over my shoulder, angry Krogan and Turian above my head. Same old, same old." He laughed quietly, his deep, throaty, dual-toned laugh. Shepard had a genuine smile thanks to that. "But you, Shepard," his serious tone hung in the room. "You're more stressed than usual. If that's even possible. Speak to me." 

She let out a breath she wasn't even aware she was holding, and Garrus motioned for them to sit at the table. The silence seemed to permeate the air, and Shepard felt a million eyes on her.

"Shepard." 

Another drink of coffee, another long sigh, another avoidance of any eye contact.

"Grace."

The use of her first name made her look up, and Garrus took her hand in his. Mandibles fluttered against his face, and the concern in his eyes pressed Shepard further. 

"It's Javik." She started, and this clearly took Garrus by surprise. Still, he squeezed her hand gently as a show of support, and as indication she should continue.   
"He was angry. As usual. I went to speak to him, I wanted to see how he was doing, and he started questioning my decisions. As usual." She chuckled, but her sombre expression quickly returned. "He didn't understand how I could be so forgiving, so accommodating in so many situations. He wants me to be ruthless, to step on anyone who gets in my way. I can't do that, Garrus. I can't." 

"I know, Shep. I know."

She sighed once more. "He said that I was hoping to end this war with my honour intact. I am. I still want to be an honourable soldier. I don't want to have lost all my friends in the effort to save them. I want to have the best outcome, not just defeating the reapers, but uniting us all. I told him that. I told him." 

She was shaking now, and took a last drink. Her stare lingered at the bottom of her empty mug, and silence swelled until the room was almost bursting. Voice quiet and shaking, she brought her gaze to Garrus. 

"Stand in the ashes of a trillion dead souls, and ask the ghosts if honour matters."

Garrus hummed deeply, the rumble of sound coming from deep within his chest. "It changes nothing. If honour matters to you, then it does. It's the basis of who you are, Shepard. You are an honourable soldier. You lost your family on Mindoir, and chose to fight so others didn't suffer the same. You lost your squad on Akuze and still came out sane. You went against the Illusive Man in the interest of the rest of the Galaxy, regardless of the repercussions it had for you. You turned yourself in to the Alliance because it was the honourable thing to do, even though you knew you would be punished for working with Cerberus. You're an honourable woman, Shepard. It's in your blood."

"But that's the problem!" Her words pierced the air, hanging between the two momentarily. "That's the problem. He's right. Billions, trillions of people have died because of the reapers, and I'm concerned about what people will think of me once they are defeated. It's not even guaranteed we will send them back to whatever hole they crawled out of."

"Shep-" 

"Don't." Shepard interrupted, and Garrus pulled his mandibles close to his jaw. "I didn't even know what to say after he dropped it on me. I just stood there. The silence was my answer, he said. As if I'm supposed to have any sort of response to an angry, vengeful Prothean." Shepard sighed again, eyes low.   
"It's so hard Garrus. It's so fucking hard, and I don't know if I have it in me anymore." 

Garrus stood with that, and pulled Grace up to stand with him. Tears started threatening to fall as he took her into the elevator, escorting her back to her cabin. She was actually thankful for this silence, and leant into the turian to feel his warmth and dull vibrations from sub-vocals her human ears couldn't understand. 

They were sat on her bed now, her legs crossed tightly and his ungloved hand reaching to stroke the stray hair away from her face. 

"Grace, you can't feel guilty for this. Of course you want the best solution. We all do. Your methods differ from Javiks-"

"A mild understatement."

He laughed quietly.

"You still get results. You can manage to pull everyone out of the fire before they even get burned. That's not a matter of honour, that's a matter of humanity. Don't feel wrong for keeping your humanity."

Shepard smiled a genuine smile. Her hand held his face, scarred mandible against her soft, human skin. 

"I don't know where I'd be without you, Garrus."

"Probably the ass end of nowhere, shouting at Joker and waving your gun in the air screaming about reapers."

"Alright, big guy, I'm not completely helpless without you." 

Grace struggled to stifle a yawn, eliciting a laugh from Garrus.

"Then why do I have to tell you when to go to bed? Come on. Get your ten toes under the covers." 

"Only if your four toes join me."

Mandibles splayed in a smirk, Garrus laughed. "Aye aye, ma'am."


End file.
